Year 9, Week 9: No Guilt in Life, No Fear in Death

Day 1:  I'm writing this the evening of my grandfather's death.  It's how I process things.  But how do I process this loss?  I have no idea.  So, I'm just writing.  This morning when I got the call that they were trying to revive him I was in the middle of a history lesson with Little Toughie.  I got off the phone, trembling and with tears rolling down my cheeks.  We stopped and prayed.  I begged God to spare him, to heal him, to give us all a little more time.  I could feel God's presence and peace.  I heard Him say, "My will."  I responded with, "I know."

     And while I held out hope that my grandfather would be okay, I knew he was being called Home.  Still when the call confirming that he had passed came in I felt my heart crumble into pieces.  The news was devastating.  My daughter was with me when I got the call and she immediately wrapped her arms around me.

 Day 2:  God is funny.  I say that not as if He's a prankster but because when He speaks to me it's surprising and it's not; because He answers me even when I don't always ask. It's the day after my grandfather passed that I'm continuing to write this.  I couldn't write anymore last night because the tears would well up and obscure my view of the screen.  Earlier today I was trying to think of a scripture verse that would best describe my grandfather.  All day I thought of how giving he was.  How he led his family with a gentle kindness.  How much he thought of others.

     Then evening came and our church group was meeting.  I almost passed on it because my eyes were red and puffy, plus they hurt.  I decided to at least hop on to help my husband with the technical stuff since we meet both online and in person.  We also had a new person joining us and I wanted to be there to welcome her.  Then our study opened with this scripture:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 
-Philippians 2:3-4 

     Upon hearing my husband read that to the group my heart stirred and I knew that was the scripture I was seeking.  God put it right in front of me when I needed it.  That is how my grandpa served others.

Day 3:  My memory fails me a lot these days.  It really does come with getting older!  I've tried to pinpoint certain memories of my grandpa but I can't cling to any particular one.  I remember doing the cha-cha with him only having my mom take my place because I wasn't good at all the fancy turns and footwork.  I remember him dominating the dance floor, one hand in the air and the other hovering over his belt buckle as he boogied to the music.  As I reflect upon his life I also remember his love of cooking...his Kaldereta was my favorite.  Our most recent conversation involved talking about food!

     Of all the memories I've tried to recall, this one remains:  I had the blessed opportunity to live with my grandparents at a time I didn't think I needed to.  Looking back now I'm so, so thankful that I did.  I was an immature young adult seeking independence but unknowingly still needing nurturing. They took me in, cared for and provided for me in the midst of me trying to figure out my life and my priorities.  My grandpa never questioned my actions, only occasionally in his firm but loving way reminded me to, "Be careful."

     When I moved miles away and spoke with him over the phone, he didn't ask, "How are you doing?"  He asked, "Are you okay?" I think he knew the weight of everything that was happening to me at that time.  And every time he greeted me on the phone I looked forward to hearing him say, "Hi BEBE."  Not bay-bee, but beh-beh in his Filipino and very slightly hoarse voice.  I loved, loved, loved that.  He didn't waste his words.  Everything he said or asked had meaning, was communicated with purpose.  I rarely saw my grandfather angry or frustrated.  If he was it was likely because of something major and not of life's constant trivialities.  It was my grandfather's love, patience and the way he respected and doted over my grandmother that made me change my mind about marriage.  They've been married for sixty-six years.

     I will miss his hugs, his voice, his laughter and his, "I love yous".  His love and legacy will live on in our family members, his friends, in our stories and in our hearts.  Beyond all this I know that he professed Jesus as his Savior and because of that I will see him in our Lord's kingdom and my grandpa will greet me with, 'Hi behbeh."

If you are moved to contribute to my grandfather's memorial fund you can do so here.

My family and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.