Year 9, Week 9: No Guilt in Life, No Fear in Death

Day 1:  I'm writing this the evening of my grandfather's death.  It's how I process things.  But how do I process this loss?  I have no idea.  So, I'm just writing.  This morning when I got the call that they were trying to revive him I was in the middle of a history lesson with Little Toughie.  I got off the phone, trembling and with tears rolling down my cheeks.  We stopped and prayed.  I begged God to spare him, to heal him, to give us all a little more time.  I could feel God's presence and peace.  I heard Him say, "My will."  I responded with, "I know."

     And while I held out hope that my grandfather would be okay, I knew he was being called Home.  Still when the call confirming that he had passed came in I felt my heart crumble into pieces.  The news was devastating.  My daughter was with me when I got the call and she immediately wrapped her arms around me.

 Day 2:  God is funny.  I say that not as if He's a prankster but because when He speaks to me it's surprising and it's not; because He answers me even when I don't always ask. It's the day after my grandfather passed that I'm continuing to write this.  I couldn't write anymore last night because the tears would well up and obscure my view of the screen.  Earlier today I was trying to think of a scripture verse that would best describe my grandfather.  All day I thought of how giving he was.  How he led his family with a gentle kindness.  How much he thought of others.

     Then evening came and our church group was meeting.  I almost passed on it because my eyes were red and puffy, plus they hurt.  I decided to at least hop on to help my husband with the technical stuff since we meet both online and in person.  We also had a new person joining us and I wanted to be there to welcome her.  Then our study opened with this scripture:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 
-Philippians 2:3-4 

     Upon hearing my husband read that to the group my heart stirred and I knew that was the scripture I was seeking.  God put it right in front of me when I needed it.  That is how my grandpa served others.

Day 3:  My memory fails me a lot these days.  It really does come with getting older!  I've tried to pinpoint certain memories of my grandpa but I can't cling to any particular one.  I remember doing the cha-cha with him only having my mom take my place because I wasn't good at all the fancy turns and footwork.  I remember him dominating the dance floor, one hand in the air and the other hovering over his belt buckle as he boogied to the music.  As I reflect upon his life I also remember his love of cooking...his Kaldereta was my favorite.  Our most recent conversation involved talking about food!

     Of all the memories I've tried to recall, this one remains:  I had the blessed opportunity to live with my grandparents at a time I didn't think I needed to.  Looking back now I'm so, so thankful that I did.  I was an immature young adult seeking independence but unknowingly still needing nurturing. They took me in, cared for and provided for me in the midst of me trying to figure out my life and my priorities.  My grandpa never questioned my actions, only occasionally in his firm but loving way reminded me to, "Be careful."

     When I moved miles away and spoke with him over the phone, he didn't ask, "How are you doing?"  He asked, "Are you okay?" I think he knew the weight of everything that was happening to me at that time.  And every time he greeted me on the phone I looked forward to hearing him say, "Hi BEBE."  Not bay-bee, but beh-beh in his Filipino and very slightly hoarse voice.  I loved, loved, loved that.  He didn't waste his words.  Everything he said or asked had meaning, was communicated with purpose.  I rarely saw my grandfather angry or frustrated.  If he was it was likely because of something major and not of life's constant trivialities.  It was my grandfather's love, patience and the way he respected and doted over my grandmother that made me change my mind about marriage.  They've been married for sixty-six years.

     I will miss his hugs, his voice, his laughter and his, "I love yous".  His love and legacy will live on in our family members, his friends, in our stories and in our hearts.  Beyond all this I know that he professed Jesus as his Savior and because of that I will see him in our Lord's kingdom and my grandpa will greet me with, 'Hi behbeh."

If you are moved to contribute to my grandfather's memorial fund you can do so here.

My family and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Year 8, Week 18: In Remembrance

   

Matthew 28:20

     We're back from our Winter Break, back to our school schedule as our second semester commences. I'm not even sure how to begin this since so much has happened since I last posted, both in my personal life and in the our nation. First, I'm writing this from my daughter's laptop because our computer went kaput. So, that's one thing. Then my mom ended up in the hospital right before Christmas. Then our oven broke. Then we woke up New Year's Day to the shocking new of the passing of my aunt. Finally, we got some news that may create some changes for us. I know none of this is exactly homeschool related but there are always lessons to be learned.

     Despite these things I know we're blessed. Yes, our computer needs to be replaced, but in the meantime we have a laptop that we can use for homeschooling and other functions. Plus, we can (sort of) afford to get a new one. Yes, my mom was in the hospital but my siblings, who live closer to her, were on top of things and my mom was able to get the needed care and recover. Yes, my oven broke but I was still able to make healthy meals for my family, with groceries we were able to purchase and get the oven fixed. Sure, the news we received is a little troubling, but we're trusting in God for it....for all of it. 

     As for my aunt, I haven't publicly written anything about her. It's hard to write about loss and death. Most who know me know that I enjoy writing. It's how I process things; how I vent, get things done, how I sometimes pray and how I remember things. Occasionally, it's also how I grieve.

     I was blessed to have known my great grandfather and spend time with him. He had nine kids and with that came plenty of cousins for my mom. In our Filipino culture, they are considered my aunts and uncles. When I was little I had no idea how I was related to all these people, but when we gathered at my Papa's house I knew it was going to be fun and loud; that there would be teasing, jokes, laughter and that we would need a good twenty minutes to say goodbye to everyone as the evening came to an end.

     I grew up surrounded by those aunts and uncles, another blessing. Time and distance eventually made it difficult to gather often, as it does for most when we get older and raise families of our own. Annual family reunions and social media allows us to keep up with each other. In one of our last social media interactions my aunt said she was proud of me for homeschooling.

     This aunt in particular I always thought of as the "tough one". She had a way about her that conveyed not to mess with her, yet behind that façade, there was a gentle and humorous, often sarcastic, side. I think all my aunts have a bit of that toughness about them, to me it just happened to stand out more in her. She was close to my mom's age, younger by five years. My mom shared that my aunt always made a point of reminding her that she was and would always be five years older. My mom only has brothers, so this aunt, much like my mom's other female cousins, was the closest she had to a sister. Auntie Edna had a distinct voice and laughter, the kind you'd hear in a crowd and you'd know it was her. She played a key role in several of our family reunions. Sometimes, when I heard her call out someone's name I thought they were in trouble! You could only confirm that you were about to "get it" if she also gave you "the look" as she called you over. I can still hear her, though it's been a few years since I've seen her in person.

     I'm grieving for great aunt (her mom), my uncle, for my cousins (her husband and kids), my mom...my family. We're all in disbelief. It doesn't seem real and like many families who've lost a loved one over the past year, it's even more difficult that we can't gather, cry and hug, support each other and laugh as we share stories of remembrance.

     Our family reunions will never be the same without her but I do pray we'll be able to gather again...soon. Our time here is precious and short. If you need to forgive someone, forgive. If you need to apologize, say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong, forgive me." Don't let petty things...your pride, your selfishness, your stubbornness stop you from humbling yourself and serving others with love and compassion, especially your loved ones. There's already enough division in this nation, don't let it infiltrate your family.

     In the midst of our struggles, our mourning, our pain and our joy; in the midst of our divided country, He is with us. His name, Immanuel, means "God with us". It's hard to understand; hard to grasp sometimes. We are not promised a happy life, a good life, or even a long life. Jesus even says that we will have trouble BUT (and this is where my heart swells with joy and gratefulness) Jesus has overcome the world (John 16:33). He's overcome all the things we His children endure, even death! (Romans 6:23).