Year 9, Week 9: No Guilt in Life, No Fear in Death

Day 1:  I'm writing this the evening of my grandfather's death.  It's how I process things.  But how do I process this loss?  I have no idea.  So, I'm just writing.  This morning when I got the call that they were trying to revive him I was in the middle of a history lesson with Little Toughie.  I got off the phone, trembling and with tears rolling down my cheeks.  We stopped and prayed.  I begged God to spare him, to heal him, to give us all a little more time.  I could feel God's presence and peace.  I heard Him say, "My will."  I responded with, "I know."

     And while I held out hope that my grandfather would be okay, I knew he was being called Home.  Still when the call confirming that he had passed came in I felt my heart crumble into pieces.  The news was devastating.  My daughter was with me when I got the call and she immediately wrapped her arms around me.

 Day 2:  God is funny.  I say that not as if He's a prankster but because when He speaks to me it's surprising and it's not; because He answers me even when I don't always ask. It's the day after my grandfather passed that I'm continuing to write this.  I couldn't write anymore last night because the tears would well up and obscure my view of the screen.  Earlier today I was trying to think of a scripture verse that would best describe my grandfather.  All day I thought of how giving he was.  How he led his family with a gentle kindness.  How much he thought of others.

     Then evening came and our church group was meeting.  I almost passed on it because my eyes were red and puffy, plus they hurt.  I decided to at least hop on to help my husband with the technical stuff since we meet both online and in person.  We also had a new person joining us and I wanted to be there to welcome her.  Then our study opened with this scripture:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 
-Philippians 2:3-4 

     Upon hearing my husband read that to the group my heart stirred and I knew that was the scripture I was seeking.  God put it right in front of me when I needed it.  That is how my grandpa served others.

Day 3:  My memory fails me a lot these days.  It really does come with getting older!  I've tried to pinpoint certain memories of my grandpa but I can't cling to any particular one.  I remember doing the cha-cha with him only having my mom take my place because I wasn't good at all the fancy turns and footwork.  I remember him dominating the dance floor, one hand in the air and the other hovering over his belt buckle as he boogied to the music.  As I reflect upon his life I also remember his love of cooking...his Kaldereta was my favorite.  Our most recent conversation involved talking about food!

     Of all the memories I've tried to recall, this one remains:  I had the blessed opportunity to live with my grandparents at a time I didn't think I needed to.  Looking back now I'm so, so thankful that I did.  I was an immature young adult seeking independence but unknowingly still needing nurturing. They took me in, cared for and provided for me in the midst of me trying to figure out my life and my priorities.  My grandpa never questioned my actions, only occasionally in his firm but loving way reminded me to, "Be careful."

     When I moved miles away and spoke with him over the phone, he didn't ask, "How are you doing?"  He asked, "Are you okay?" I think he knew the weight of everything that was happening to me at that time.  And every time he greeted me on the phone I looked forward to hearing him say, "Hi BEBE."  Not bay-bee, but beh-beh in his Filipino and very slightly hoarse voice.  I loved, loved, loved that.  He didn't waste his words.  Everything he said or asked had meaning, was communicated with purpose.  I rarely saw my grandfather angry or frustrated.  If he was it was likely because of something major and not of life's constant trivialities.  It was my grandfather's love, patience and the way he respected and doted over my grandmother that made me change my mind about marriage.  They've been married for sixty-six years.

     I will miss his hugs, his voice, his laughter and his, "I love yous".  His love and legacy will live on in our family members, his friends, in our stories and in our hearts.  Beyond all this I know that he professed Jesus as his Savior and because of that I will see him in our Lord's kingdom and my grandpa will greet me with, 'Hi behbeh."

If you are moved to contribute to my grandfather's memorial fund you can do so here.

My family and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Year 9: Let's Get it Started!

      That title is a bit of a fib since we already started and it's been six weeks.  We actually just had our first break which is why I'm able to sit and write this post.  However, it is on the very last day of our week off and a couple of hours before I plan on going to sleep.  Apparently, when it comes to blogging I like to live on the edge!  Oh, well.  Better late than never.

     What can I tell you about the last few weeks?  I can tell you that it's been full.  Little Toughie has had long days that are forcing her to manage her time better.  She has a schedule, in preparation for high school and since I'm not teaching A380 anymore, her studies are a bit tougher because I can give her even more of my time.

     She's handling it like a champ though!  She still does her chores and helps around the house.  At times I'll catch her taking a nap in the afternoon after her science lessons because, let's be honest, sometimes science can be draining.

     Normally, this is where I'd post of picture of said student napping on the floor but I'm not allowed to do that and I don't want to be a bad mom.  Instead I will leave you with a picture of the tree in front of our home that I took over the course of the past year:

     I love seeing the change of seasons through this tree.  The leaves are just starting to trickle down on the the grass but come next month we'll be able the hear crunching on the ground as neighbors walk past our front yard.  It's like a built in alarm of sorts!

     That's all I have for now since my bedtime is approaching and my brain is craving quiet reading time.  Next time I'll share a bit about what we've chosen curriculum wise for this school year and fill you in on what A380 is up to.  Good night!

Year 8: One down, one to go

      This post has been a long time coming.  Not just for the fact that most of summer has passed since I last posted and this has been sitting in my drafts since the end of July, but also because this post has been six years in the making.

I've graduated my first born, my first high schooler. 

A380 has completed high school!

     I don't have pictures yet (it's been a very busy summer) but we let him decide how he wanted to celebrate.  He chose to have a family meal at his favorite prime rib restaurant where The Principal and I presented him with his certificate.  We're so proud of him!

     Writing this is, of course, bittersweet.  We're in the midst of a pandemic trying to figure out what's next for him.  There are several different options but it will take some time to make the calls, schedule the appointments and go through the process before deciding which one would be best.  Still, he's excited.

     Year 9 starts in a couple of weeks and before I know it I'll be graduating Little Toughie.  Aaaahhh!! 

Year 8, Weeks 23-33: Same As it Ever Was

     If you know where I got this blog post title (without looking it up) then you're probably as young as I am! Anyway, I haven't written since week 22 and that's because there hasn't been a lot going on. We eventually find our homeschool rhythm and take everything day by day so there isn't much to share. Which, given the state of the world this past year, is a very good thing. I can give you some highlights:

• We celebrated a milestone birthday for Little Toughie. We actually got to have brunch at the restaurant which was the same one we went to last year right before everything got shut down. I made her Mint Cookies and Cream Cupcakes for her to share with everyone at our church's youth group meeting (they were meeting on her actual birthday) and she chose a Junior's Cheesecake Sampler to have with her birthday dinner.
• Little Toughie's birthday dinner has been Mac and Cheese for the past two years because she started a tradition where my husband and I compete a la Beat Bobby Flay with a blind test of the best dish. I won the last two years. Sadly, I lost this year. I'm not sure how that happened. I had a fool-proof plan (ha)! Actually, I do know how I lost and the following week my hubby and I combined our recipes to create the best Mac and Cheese we've ever had. Everybody wins. So, technically I didn't lose. Right? Right?!
• We were in a documentary, sort of. We're in a shot taken a ways from us as we were conversing with the chef. She came to our table to welcome us. We watched it virtually during the world premiere at the 2020 DOC NYC Festival. It's now available on Discovery+ and I hear there will be a sequel to it as things slowly open up and it will show how the industry is maneuvering all of it.
• Speaking of restaurants, Easter was celebrated at a long standing steakhouse that we haven't been to in maybe two years. It's one of those places we only go to about once a year and we were hoping they would make it through the shutdown. Luckily, they did and we were able to enjoy a nice meal indoors.
• I signed up to for Camp NaNoWriMo so that I could edit the novel I drafted during NaNoWriMo. I did not edit much at all. I hit a wall and now have three other novels calling out to me to at least outline. I'm thinking I'm going to have to hunker down during the summer and edit like crazy!
• We took a trip to Orlando, FL. That wasn't the original plan and it was sort of a last minute decision. We were supposed to go to Hawaii, something we had decided on three years ago. We knew 2021 would be milestone birthdays for The Principal and Little Toughie and instead of having parties they opted for a trip. Excellent choice except that COVID happened and just like with everyone else's plans, ours changed too. When we were trying to figure out what was going on with Hawaii we learned that the resort we were hoping to stay at wasn't yet fully opened; the activities, restaurants and pools. The Principal wanted to get our airline tickets while they were still cheap but we decided it would be better to wait until the resort was fully up and running so that we could enjoy all the amenities. He still really wanted to get away and happened to see that flights to Florida were only about $115 total. That's basically how much it costs to fly from Vegas to San Francisco! Hence, we took a trip to Orlando, FL.

Tree of Life at Animal Kingdom

     We just finished Week 33 and have three more weeks left in our homeschool year. It's gone by fast, even with everything that's happened and is still happening. I pray we never waste our time or take any it for granted. I have a friend who recently lost her job. Another battling cancer. If there's anything this past year has taught us it's that we should take stock of what really matters, to put GOD first and to love others as Jesus loves us.

Year 8, Weeks 21 and 22: Just Love

     I often have an issue with the month of February. For one it's short, making the end of the first quarter of the year approach faster than needed. Then there's Valentine's day, which let's be honest...it's all about the doubled prices on that day (call me cynical, but also frugal...wait until all the chocolate goes on clearance! Hee-hee). My husband and I have never really fallen prey to felt the need to go all out on Valentine's Day choosing instead to do something as a family. We order the heart-shaped pizza and we pick a treat we can all share:

     February also marks Black History Month. I once took a humanities class in which the instructor, a fellow homeschooler, shared that she was trying to curate a number of books that would help her soon-to-be high schooler learn world history that wasn't "white-washed" (her words, not mine). I appreciated that. I've told my kids and continue to remind them that when they read books, especially non-fiction, to know when it was written, to understand the perspective of the author and think about the underlying message they're trying to manifest.  As we know, especially apparent more so than ever, much can be biasedly written or biasedly read. There's a certain amount of discernment and plenty of critical thinking needed when perusing everything presented to us, whether in the news, social media or in print.

     When it comes down to it, if everything we did or said was out of love, a lot of things would be much, much better. Easier said then done for all of us, I know. We're naturally selfish; we think we know better than anyone else, we think we have all the answers...we make ourselves gods. How pretentious of us!

     The greatest love my family and I know is that of God's love for the WHOLE WORLD (not some, not part, but WHOLE) to sacrifice His only Son for each and every one of our sins; so that we are forgiven and made pure before Him. That is love...the complete sacrifice of oneself for the benefit of another who is underserving. Happy Valentine's Day.

Year 8, Weeks 19 and 20: Recordings and Reading

     Week 19 started with Little Toughie and I a bit on edge. We had to get her recordings done for the musical she's in and setting it up was not fun. I had planned on getting it done in the morning since the spot we chose had the best lighting before 1 p.m. The timing was also consistent with her rehearsals.

     She needed something to be able to listen to the recordings and then something else to film her. Plus, she wanted to use her wireless earbuds. She was originally going to use my phone to record herself and use her own phone to listen, but after finally getting the files loaded onto her phone we discovered that it didn't support them. We changed plans and thought we'd use the her laptop (the one I'm still using to write this) for her to listen and use my phone to record but her laptop wouldn't connect with the earbuds. Thankfully, we figured out that her laptop has a camera and recording capabilities and that my phone supported the files. After a few tests (and lunch, and makeup retouching and a couple of restarts) I was able to close the door and let her do her thing. I can't tell how good the video quality turned out but she got it done and I was able to send all of them off finally at 5 p.m., but of course not until after one more glitch with the website not wanting to upload my files. Doh! She and I breathed a sigh of relief when we got confirmation that all files were received. Whew!

     Other than that, I'm in the midst of planning next year's schedule. I normally start researching this time of the year to give myself plenty of time to decide what to purchase once the sales hit. I was planning on doing Sonlight again, but my daughter is a bit bored with it and doesn't feel challenged. Honestly, I would love to change things up now but with our schedule I don't know how I'd do that. I'd be teaching two completely different curricula and there aren't just isn't enough hours in the day. I'll likely stick with what we have but assign books that are a little more challenging.

     One of the many benefits of homeschooling is that there is room for flexibility. It's something I'm continuing to work on for myself, but I think I can say that I'm making progress. In 2020 I had joined a 5x5 Reading Challenge. I had magnificent goals of reading five books from five different categories while getting some TBR (To Be Read) books off of my list.

     Then the pandemic shut everything down, including our beloved libraries. I would normally borrow the physical book or e-book, but what was available in both was limited and I wasn't about to purchase the ones I needed. Plus, with all the uncertainty and panic being portrayed (no thanks to the news and social media) I wasn't in the right mind to take on the more challenging books. As a result, I didn't make it through my list. Normally, I'd make every effort to check off these books, but I'm learning to be flexible and not hold fast to things just to get it done. I'd rather read the books that require more time and effort when I'm ready than speed through them without any bona fide understanding.

     I did, however, read a total of thirty-one books. I don't know if that's the most I've ever read in a year as I just started tracking my books a few years ago. My goal is at least twenty-four books, about two books a month. I'm not sure how I finished thirty-one last year, especially since I also wrote one, but I think it might be an ambitious endeavor to attempt it again this year. Every year is different and I may not even finish twelve books in a year but as long as I'm reading I'm happy.

     Week 20 started uneventfully, but then mid-week I received heartbreaking news of the death of another friend. She had been battling cancer for the past few years and was in a short remission until early last year. In less than a year I've mourned three friends and one family member. Just so you know, only one was due to Covid. Needless to say, I'm sad. There are no other words. All I can do is pray.

Year 8, Week 18: In Remembrance

   

Matthew 28:20

     We're back from our Winter Break, back to our school schedule as our second semester commences. I'm not even sure how to begin this since so much has happened since I last posted, both in my personal life and in the our nation. First, I'm writing this from my daughter's laptop because our computer went kaput. So, that's one thing. Then my mom ended up in the hospital right before Christmas. Then our oven broke. Then we woke up New Year's Day to the shocking new of the passing of my aunt. Finally, we got some news that may create some changes for us. I know none of this is exactly homeschool related but there are always lessons to be learned.

     Despite these things I know we're blessed. Yes, our computer needs to be replaced, but in the meantime we have a laptop that we can use for homeschooling and other functions. Plus, we can (sort of) afford to get a new one. Yes, my mom was in the hospital but my siblings, who live closer to her, were on top of things and my mom was able to get the needed care and recover. Yes, my oven broke but I was still able to make healthy meals for my family, with groceries we were able to purchase and get the oven fixed. Sure, the news we received is a little troubling, but we're trusting in God for it....for all of it. 

     As for my aunt, I haven't publicly written anything about her. It's hard to write about loss and death. Most who know me know that I enjoy writing. It's how I process things; how I vent, get things done, how I sometimes pray and how I remember things. Occasionally, it's also how I grieve.

     I was blessed to have known my great grandfather and spend time with him. He had nine kids and with that came plenty of cousins for my mom. In our Filipino culture, they are considered my aunts and uncles. When I was little I had no idea how I was related to all these people, but when we gathered at my Papa's house I knew it was going to be fun and loud; that there would be teasing, jokes, laughter and that we would need a good twenty minutes to say goodbye to everyone as the evening came to an end.

     I grew up surrounded by those aunts and uncles, another blessing. Time and distance eventually made it difficult to gather often, as it does for most when we get older and raise families of our own. Annual family reunions and social media allows us to keep up with each other. In one of our last social media interactions my aunt said she was proud of me for homeschooling.

     This aunt in particular I always thought of as the "tough one". She had a way about her that conveyed not to mess with her, yet behind that façade, there was a gentle and humorous, often sarcastic, side. I think all my aunts have a bit of that toughness about them, to me it just happened to stand out more in her. She was close to my mom's age, younger by five years. My mom shared that my aunt always made a point of reminding her that she was and would always be five years older. My mom only has brothers, so this aunt, much like my mom's other female cousins, was the closest she had to a sister. Auntie Edna had a distinct voice and laughter, the kind you'd hear in a crowd and you'd know it was her. She played a key role in several of our family reunions. Sometimes, when I heard her call out someone's name I thought they were in trouble! You could only confirm that you were about to "get it" if she also gave you "the look" as she called you over. I can still hear her, though it's been a few years since I've seen her in person.

     I'm grieving for great aunt (her mom), my uncle, for my cousins (her husband and kids), my mom...my family. We're all in disbelief. It doesn't seem real and like many families who've lost a loved one over the past year, it's even more difficult that we can't gather, cry and hug, support each other and laugh as we share stories of remembrance.

     Our family reunions will never be the same without her but I do pray we'll be able to gather again...soon. Our time here is precious and short. If you need to forgive someone, forgive. If you need to apologize, say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong, forgive me." Don't let petty things...your pride, your selfishness, your stubbornness stop you from humbling yourself and serving others with love and compassion, especially your loved ones. There's already enough division in this nation, don't let it infiltrate your family.

     In the midst of our struggles, our mourning, our pain and our joy; in the midst of our divided country, He is with us. His name, Immanuel, means "God with us". It's hard to understand; hard to grasp sometimes. We are not promised a happy life, a good life, or even a long life. Jesus even says that we will have trouble BUT (and this is where my heart swells with joy and gratefulness) Jesus has overcome the world (John 16:33). He's overcome all the things we His children endure, even death! (Romans 6:23).